When Shame Makes You Hide: How Shame Disconnects Us From Ourselves

Shame doesn't always sound like, "I'm a terrible person."

Sometimes shame is much quieter.

Not asking for help.

Pretending you're fine when you're not.

Minimizing something that hurt you.

Changing your personality depending on who you're around.

Keeping certain parts of yourself hidden because you're afraid of what people might think if they really knew you.

Shame can make us believe that certain parts of ourselves are unacceptable.

So we hide them.

We become really good at presenting the version of ourselves that we think other people will accept.

And over time, we can become so disconnected from the parts we've hidden that we aren't even sure what we actually want anymore.

Shame Doesn't Always Make You Feel Bad About Yourself

When we think about shame, we often think about feeling embarrassed, exposed, or unworthy.

But shame can also show up as disconnection from yourself.

You might know how to be the person everyone else needs you to be, but have a hard time answering simple questions like:

"What do I want?"

"What do I need?"

"What feels good to me?"

"What don't I want anymore?"

"What am I actually feeling?"

You may be incredibly intuitive when it comes to other people's emotions while being completely disconnected from your own.

This isn't because you don't know yourself.

Sometimes, you've simply learned that paying attention to other people and meeting their needs was more important than your own.

Where Does This Come From?

For most people, shame develops through relationships.

Maybe you grew up being criticized when you expressed yourself.

Maybe your emotions were dismissed.

Maybe you were told you were too sensitive, too loud, too needy, too emotional, too difficult, or too much.

Maybe you learned that receiving approval meant being agreeable.

Maybe you experienced trauma and learned that certain parts of yourself needed to be hidden in order to maintain connection or safety.

You may have learned, consciously or unconsciously:

Don't be too much.

Don't make people uncomfortable.

Don't need too much.

Don't make mistakes.

Don't let people see you struggle.

Don't take up too much space.

So you adapted.

And those adaptations may have helped you survive or maintain relationships at one point in your life.

But what helped you survive isn't necessarily what allows you to feel fully alive now.

Shame Can Make You Feel like You’re Performing

Have you ever caught yourself editing what you're about to say before you say it?

Maybe you have an opinion but decide not to share it.

Maybe you want to ask for something but convince yourself it's not that important.

Maybe you feel hurt by someone but immediately think, "I'm probably overreacting."

Maybe you want to wear something, say something, create something, or pursue something, but you become hyperaware of how you'll be perceived.

So you edit.

You make yourself smaller.

You soften your opinions.

You laugh something off.

You say, "It's fine," when it isn't.

You convince yourself you don't really care.

And eventually, this can become so automatic that you don't even notice you're doing it.

Shame Can Disconnect You From Your Needs

It can be difficult for people to identify what they actually need.

They know what everyone else needs.

They know how to make other people comfortable.

They know how to anticipate someone's reaction.

But when asked:

"What do you need right now?"

There can be a long pause.

Sometimes the answer is:

"I don't know."

That "I don't know" is important.

It doesn't mean you're incapable of knowing yourself.

It may mean you've spent a very long time prioritizing everyone else's experience over your own.

And if you've learned that having needs leads to rejection, criticism, conflict, or disappointment, it makes sense that your nervous system might become hesitant to acknowledge those needs in the first place.

Shame Can Show Up in the Body

This is one of the reasons I believe it's so important to work with shame not only through our thoughts, but through the body.

Your body may already know something that your mind hasn't fully acknowledged.

You might notice your chest tightening when you're about to say no.

Your stomach may drop when you think about disappointing someone.

Your shoulders may tense when you imagine being vulnerable.

You may feel yourself becoming very small when someone is upset with you.

You may suddenly feel numb when someone asks you what you want.

These responses aren't random.

Your body has a history.

It has learned through your experiences, your relationships, and the environments you've lived in.

And sometimes the body continues responding to old experiences even when your current life is very different.

Healing Shame Isn't About Becoming Completely Confident

I think sometimes we approach healing as though the goal is to never feel insecure again.

That's not really how it works.

You can still feel nervous and speak.

You can still feel uncomfortable and set a boundary.

You can still worry that someone won't understand you and allow yourself to be seen.

You can still feel shame without letting it make your decisions for you.

Healing doesn't necessarily mean shame disappears.

It means shame doesn't have to run your life.

You begin to have more choice.

Instead of automatically hiding, you can pause.

Instead of immediately apologizing, you can notice what is happening inside of you.

Instead of assuming you've done something wrong because someone is upset, you can get curious.

Instead of abandoning yourself to keep someone else comfortable, you can stay connected to yourself.

That is a very different way of living.

Somatic Therapy Can Help You Reconnect With Yourself

Somatic therapy can be particularly helpful when shame feels deeply rooted in the body.

Rather than trying to think your way out of shame, we can become curious about how shame actually feels.

What happens in your body when you feel exposed?

What happens when you imagine someone seeing the real you?

What happens when you consider expressing a need?

Do you notice yourself wanting to shrink, freeze, hide, or disconnect?

In Somatic Experiencing®, we slow the process down and work with what your nervous system is able to tolerate.

The goal isn't to force yourself to be vulnerable or push through discomfort.

It's about building enough safety and capacity that you can begin to stay connected to yourself even when uncomfortable emotions arise.

Over time, you may begin to experience something that feels very different from shame:

I can be myself and still belong.

I can have needs and still be worthy of love.

I can make mistakes and still be a good person.

I can take up space without apologizing for existing.

You Don't Have to Hide the Parts of You That Need Care

There may be parts of yourself you've spent years trying to hide.

The part that gets angry.

The part that needs reassurance.

The part that wants more.

The part that is tired.

The part that makes mistakes.

The part that doesn't have everything figured out.

The part that wants to be seen.

None of these parts make you unworthy.

They make you human.

And healing shame isn't about getting rid of the parts of yourself you don't like.

It's about creating enough safety within yourself that you no longer have to abandon those parts in order to feel worthy of connection.

You don't have to be less emotional.

Less needy.

Less sensitive.

Less complicated.

Less yourself.

You get to learn that being fully yourself doesn't mean you have to lose connection with others.

And sometimes, that is where healing really begins.

Related Reading:

Signs Your Nervous System Is Stuck in Survival Mode

Healing from Perfectionism Through a Somatic Lens

How Trauma Gets Stored in the Body

About Rooted Healing
At Rooted Healing, we specialize in trauma-informed care that goes beyond traditionl talk therapy. We utilize holistic approaches such as EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. If you’re looking to heal from past trauma, anxiety, PTSD, or other emotional challenges, we’re here to help you on your journey. Contact us today by clicking here to learn more about how these modalities can help you reclaim your life.